Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Restaurant Bribes Parents to be Parents

It's no secret to most patrons of Rockwell's Neighborhood Grill in Lincoln Square that parents do not control their kids there. My parents would have never put up with half the shit that these inattentive, self-absorbed, yuppie parents let their trophy babies get away with. They would have dragged me out of the restaurant and applied a bit of old-school corporal punishment to my backside. When I returned to the table, ta-da, I'd suddenly know how to behave myself in public.

I was surprised and amused this weekend to see table cards declaring "Rockwell's New Year's Resolution." Essentially, Rockwell's is offering parents a discount if their little bastards actually behave themselves for a change:
For all families that we feel embody what family dining at Rockwell’s is all about, we will present them with a GOLDEN TICKET which they can bring in for 10% off of their next visit.
What are they talking about? Specifically, three things:
  • staying seated
  • no running
  • inside voices
Holy shit, could the bar be set any lower? Sheesh.

Dear mothers, while I am one of the beleaguered guests who stands to benefit from this initiative -- I'm the guy reading a book that you just chose to seat your three whiny preschoolers next to despite the rest of the place being empty -- I have to say this is complete bullshit. You do not deserve any kind of discount or kudos for doing what you are supposed to do. Do the police hand out prizes to people who stop at red lights? Does the city cut my taxes because I shovel my sidewalk? Does PetSmart give me a discount for cleaning up after my dog? No, because these are things you are supposed to do. Like keeping your kids from wandering the restaurant and randomly shrieking.

I expect a number of indignant mommy bloggers (you know, the ones who are blogging instead of watching their kids) to be outraged that anyone would dare to infer that their little darlings need any guidance -- or, God forbid, discipline -- when dining in public. In 20 years when today's spoiled, ill-bred Lincoln Square kids are responsible for keeping our economy going, we're all fucked.

P.S. Will I get a 10% discount for behaving myself? If not, then this incentive program is clearly unfair to childless diners. Rockwell's is essentially rewarding parents for doing what they should while the rest of us who never caused any trouble in the first place get nothing. Here's hoping a "golden ticket" is in my future.

P.P.S. It also occurs to me that this whole thing may be a sneaky way for the owners to encourage return visits during the slow winter months.

1 comment:

GoodFishTacos said...

The best part is that Rockwells has consistently been named one of the most family friendly places in the area...personally I like their beer and fish tacos.

...wait does this mean they want more of the familys? or more of the bar? They post about having 'the game' on more lately?

and ps. im never going to retire, i'll never trust one of those irregularly named 2010 kids.