Thursday, January 26, 2006

I'm in the Kitchen with the Tombstone Blues

Was Bob Dylan singing about frozen pizza? Doubtful. (And yes, I know he wrote "streets" instead of "kitchen.")

Eating frozen pizza is definitely slumming, especially in Chicago where so many great pizza joints deliver anytime from 11 AM to 5 AM. On the other hand, it is dirt cheap compared to "real" pizza, and I feel a little guilty ordering good pizza while my wife is working (we only dine together twice a week). For frozen, I think Home Run Inn is the best, especially since the Home Run Inn restaurant where we used to go (Rolling Meadows, I think) closed. Unlike most frozen pizzas, it is prebaked; the cheese is already melted. They don't have any unusual toppings, but the crust is exceptional.

But this blog entry is about the ubiquitous national brand, Tombstone. My favorite Tombstone pizza is barbecue chicken ("The sun's not yellow it's chicken"), which is about as exotic as Tombstone gets. For some reason it is never done at the prescribed time on the package. Then last night I had a sausage & pepperoni Tombstone. The instructions said to bake at 400 degrees for 17-19 minutes. The barbecue chicken pizza says to bake at 400 degrees for 12-14 minutes. Somehow I doubt that replacing the pizza sauce with barbecue sauce makes it cook in two thirds the time of a "regular" pizza. Mystery solved! What I don't understand is why Kraft has left clearly wrong instructions on the label for so many years.

By the way, have you ever read the small print on the sausage and pepperoni pizza? It says "made with pork, chicken & beef." That's like getting three toppings for the price of two! Of course, the best thing about frozen pizza, aside from its low price in general, is that you don't pay by the number of toppings anyway. Sausage & pepperoni is the same $2.50 on sale as plain cheese. On a real pizza, it costs $2.50 just to add two toppings. Or just to tip the delivery man (which reminds me: I never see women deliver pizza here in the city, so I'm always surprised to see a woman show up when I order pizza in a smaller town).

The brand's slogan disturbs me: What do you want on your Tombstone? I'm afraid my tombstone will read, "Here lies a guy who got fat eating cheap pizza."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Very amusing question